The doctor's mysterious ways are easily rationalized away. Harrow is immediately grateful for the tissues, but he takes them very gently and rubs his borrowed face dry with a delicate touch. His breathing evens out in short order and his moment of tears ends, though his red eyes are quietly threatening to push him over the edge again.
He starts up speaking again, his voice raw, and he finds that a change of subject comes easily. "I learned a lot about... About Viatorus and Isidor and their whole life," he croaks, then clears his throat and tries again more clearly.
"Isidor's real strong. Not just, y'know, magic-wise. She does a lot for her brother. She'd give everything up for her family. She does thankless work, and I... I respect her a lot. And she told me about how it is to be rich. That it's not all easy like I thought. That they can't trust anyone, and don't ever know why someone wants to be their friend or if they love 'em for real or for fake. And Viatorus...
"His whole family treats him like a show stallion. Like he ain't worth anything for his heart or spirit or good intentions. That guy I got in a fight with, that's all he kept bringin' up. That Viatorus deserved his body back more than any of us, 'cause he was special. Physically, I mean. Like an heir or somethin'? And that's all they cared about. And..."
He stops a moment to collect himself before he can continue. "When that man threatened my life, and I got scared? I didn't know what to do to stop him. He wouldn't listen to Isidor, and I didn't know if she could stop him if he tried. I didn't know what to do, so I... I said if he killed my real body, I'd kill myself in Viatorus's body."
His voice speeds up now; he can't explain the story or his motivations quickly enough. "I never woulda done it! I never woulda done that to my friend, but all I could think about was if my body died then Steve's soul would die, and I'd be in his body or maybe they'd just seance me out of Viatorus and send me right to Hell, and Steve's body would die, and I didn't know what to do to make the fight stop so I lied! I lied, I wasn't gonna do it. But then it brought up all kinds of bad memories for me. I started thinkin' about when I died. Isidor started shoutin' and I thought about my sister, and how she –"
He sucks in a quick breath of air and stops abruptly. He's getting off track.
"I felt awful about that lie. That everyone believed me. That nobody had any faith in me not to do that. But mostly I felt bad 'cause I betrayed my friends' trust. I threatened to take away the only person who really loves Isidor. I made Viatorus think about death and violence. I made Steve freak out and have to make a hard choice. And... And I treated Viatorus like his body meant more than his heart and his soul and all those things I wish people saw in him. I was a bad friend. I don't even know how to start apologizin'. How can I expect any of them to put their faith in me when I act like this?"
no subject
He starts up speaking again, his voice raw, and he finds that a change of subject comes easily. "I learned a lot about... About Viatorus and Isidor and their whole life," he croaks, then clears his throat and tries again more clearly.
"Isidor's real strong. Not just, y'know, magic-wise. She does a lot for her brother. She'd give everything up for her family. She does thankless work, and I... I respect her a lot. And she told me about how it is to be rich. That it's not all easy like I thought. That they can't trust anyone, and don't ever know why someone wants to be their friend or if they love 'em for real or for fake. And Viatorus...
"His whole family treats him like a show stallion. Like he ain't worth anything for his heart or spirit or good intentions. That guy I got in a fight with, that's all he kept bringin' up. That Viatorus deserved his body back more than any of us, 'cause he was special. Physically, I mean. Like an heir or somethin'? And that's all they cared about. And..."
He stops a moment to collect himself before he can continue. "When that man threatened my life, and I got scared? I didn't know what to do to stop him. He wouldn't listen to Isidor, and I didn't know if she could stop him if he tried. I didn't know what to do, so I... I said if he killed my real body, I'd kill myself in Viatorus's body."
His voice speeds up now; he can't explain the story or his motivations quickly enough. "I never woulda done it! I never woulda done that to my friend, but all I could think about was if my body died then Steve's soul would die, and I'd be in his body or maybe they'd just seance me out of Viatorus and send me right to Hell, and Steve's body would die, and I didn't know what to do to make the fight stop so I lied! I lied, I wasn't gonna do it. But then it brought up all kinds of bad memories for me. I started thinkin' about when I died. Isidor started shoutin' and I thought about my sister, and how she –"
He sucks in a quick breath of air and stops abruptly. He's getting off track.
"I felt awful about that lie. That everyone believed me. That nobody had any faith in me not to do that. But mostly I felt bad 'cause I betrayed my friends' trust. I threatened to take away the only person who really loves Isidor. I made Viatorus think about death and violence. I made Steve freak out and have to make a hard choice. And... And I treated Viatorus like his body meant more than his heart and his soul and all those things I wish people saw in him. I was a bad friend. I don't even know how to start apologizin'. How can I expect any of them to put their faith in me when I act like this?"